blair's blog

I think I always knew, ever since we started flirting pointlessly, that it would end this way. That deep down, I knew it wouldn’t last forever, that it was just a good story to tell friends in 15 years. I knew the night it happened, that Dally had cheated on me, yet again. The moment he walked into the Curtis house, I could see it on his face, smell it on his clothes. But I didn’t want to say anything, it was meant to be a goodtime. I also saw him at Jell's party, and when he didn't come home that night I knew it happened again. I kept putting it off for sake of mind, but now I can’t any longer. I don’t remember exactly how it happened. It was as if I was watching someone else running around an empty apartment, packing up the things they assumed they needed to recreate home somewhere else. Clothes, money, snacks, the blanket and stuffed monkey from my childhood, a scrapbook of my life, things needed to take care of Shr!mp, and a few things needed for Blaze all disappeared into two duffel bags, the last thing I placed on top was a hand gun and bullets, just incase.

Just before I left I taped an envelope to the door with a note and my apartment key in it. In the note I explained that I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was doing, but I knew I could no longer stay in a place that held all these bad memories, and demons. If I stayed I'd keep going back to Dally, then he'd cheat again; one big cycle. Once outside, I felt completely alone. Darkness surrounded me, and snow and hale attack every angle from the sky. I tighten my grasp on Shr!mp’s leash, and start walking down the street. I knew that if I was actually going to go through with my plan, there was one place I needed to stop at first.

When I got to Carson’s, the house was dark. I quietly walked in the front door and hurried up the stairs to her bedroom. I knocked, and when no answer came I walked in. It looked the same as it always did. Clothes everywhere, bed unmade, posters cluttering the walls, dresser full of make-up and jewelry. The only thing out of place was the small ball curled up in the middle of her bed. It took me a second to realize that it was Carson. She never looked so small to me; she was always so loud, and cocky that she cast a 10 foot shadow. The only sound in the otherwise deadly silent house was the soft whimpers coming from Carson.


I drop my things and rush over to her, falling on top of the bed and covering her with my body as a shield. She started to say something, but all I could understand before she started sobbing again was, “He…hate….” I knew she was talking about Seth. “Listen Car, I’m sorry honey. Maybe you’re right; maybe it was just someone who looked like him. I mean I didn’t get a good look at his face.” She starts shaking her head slowly, “no”. I slowly rub her back in large circles, and listen silently to her cries until she controls her tears. “I’m so stupid! I let my guard down and he took full advantage of me. He told me he loves me! Then I saw him. I went to his house and he was there, fucking another girl.” She burst into another fit of tears, and it scooped her up in my arms and rocked her until she fell asleep.

I lay with Carson; holding her, keeping her safe, until she woke up again. The sun was just coming up, a sign of a new day, a fresh start. Once she was fully awake, Carson asked me why I came over. I explained what happened, and that I needed to leave to figure things out. Without a second thought she jumped up and started chucking things into a backpack. “What are you doing?” I ask her, drowsy from lack of sleep. “I’m coming with you.” The way she says it, like it’s no big deal to pack up and leave your life. When the backpack gets full she grabs another and keeps filling it.

I walk downstairs, and fill up two travel mugs with coffee, black. Then I make four pieces of toast, and just when I walk back into the hall Car is standing there, holding two backpacks and a duffle, as well as Shr!mp. I pick up my bags hand her a mug, and then hold out my hand for hers. She takes it, we walk hand in hand to the front door, and I open it letting the bright light of early morning flood the house. With a tight squeeze of my hand we both walk out into the bright unknown.

Things are finially good again, no one's fighting and everyone's home and safe. I've been doing something though, and not really telling anyone because you'd flip. Only Pony knows, because he's tottally for it, but when I told him he accually asked if I hit my head. I've been going around the south side and talking to some of the Soc's that I know. I stopped by Bob's place, and spent the whole day hanging out with him and some of his buddys. Cherry got back in twon the other day, and I stopped by there to make admends in person.

I was going to wait until her birthday to post this, but since theres been drama post after drama post on everyones blogs, and because she just woke up I think it's only right to post now. So here it is.....


18 Things You Never Knew About Carson Randle....


1. Her middle name is May, after her mom


2. She will deny this until the day she dies


3. I call her CareBear when it's just the two of us, because when we were little I thought her named sounded like CareBear. Dont ask why, I also use to currl up in the dryer after a load just finished in the middle of winter, and think it was summer again


4. She enjoys being called that, even though she pretends not to


5. She makes THE best hot chocolate, not even kidding. It has whipped cream, marshmellos, the works


6. Once a month she forces me to sit down with her and have a chick flick movie night in our sweats with all the junk food you can dream of


7. Every year on her birthday, when she blows out her candles she wishes to be in Califorina insted of Tulsa


8. She once told me she wants to change the world, but later told me she never could because she has anger issues

9. I know she's going to, even if she dosen't

10. We didn't become best friends until the 3rd grade, before that we just sort of put up with each other for the sake of our brothers

11. She has 11 tattoos, but her first was the letters "TC" on her wrist. Her first boyfriends initials, that she got when she was 9, not 15 like everyone thinks

12. She once arrested with me, because on her 14th birthday we got drunk and thought it'd be fun to flash cars on the highway

13. Though she dosn't own any dresses or skirts she loves wearing them, as well as high heals

14. Thats where your heals are Kit, she forced me to ask for them for a date with Seth

15. Every year on our birthdays, we pick out our own presents and wrapping paper/gift bags and cards. Then the other wraps them, signs the card and gives the gift to the birthday girl, who acts suprised

16. Her favorite Christmas gift this year was a E-L-M-O Elmo doll, and every morning she wakes up and dances with it. She also sings along, and knew the whole song word for word on Boxing Day

17. She enjoys dressing up like this to take pictures;



and 18. when she was in the 7th grade she spent a whole weekend writting a song called stevealicious, to the tune of fergalicious

As most of you know, we're in Salem visiting Carson in the hospital.
It breaks my heart knowing that I'm partly to blame. I've never liked hospitals, and seeing someone I love like this makes it that much worse. When we got here, Seth was sitting in the room looking real torn up about the whole mess. And she was just laying there.
Her eyes closed, tubes attached to machines that beeped, the only proof shes still alive. Everyone walked in, and said sad hellos and asked how she was. No one noticed me slip out of the room.
I couldn't take seeing her like that, it was too horrible. Carson, who can be angry with the world one second and loving life the next. Carson who loves the sun on her skin, but hates the light, who spends hours on her makeup and hair, but will go play football right after.
Laying there, she just looked so.....broken. It was almost as if I didn't know her, as if the girl in that room was a stranger and Carson was going to sneek up behind me and yell "Got Cha" real lould from behind me.
After a few minutes Two-Bit came looking for me. He gave me a hug and asked if I was ok, people really don't want an answer so it was easy to lie. When we went back into the room, and I sat as far away from her bed as I could. Being closer to her made the reality seem so much more real.
After the nurse came in and told us visitng hours were over, and only family was allould to stay. Everyone else got up, but I couldnt bring myself to. My body felt too heavy, and the thought of leaving Carson before she was better was too much to bear. I told the nurse that I was her sister, and without a second thought the gang agreed with me.
When it was just Steve, Seth, and me thing got awlkward. I hadn't even said hi to Seth when we got here, couldn't bring myself too. He tried to make small talk, but only Steve would reply. Finally I guess he had enough because he demanded me to answer him.
I lost it. I told him that it was all his fault. That before he came things were perfect, and he fucked it all up.
That it use to be me and Carson, we always talked about seeing the world togeather someday. But then he came and was better then me at everything. He made her happier, laugh harder, smile wider. She left with him, without even saying goodbye. She left me behind, and I had to come to terms with that. But that also meant that he had to protect her, from all the hurt in the world, but also from herslf.
And he failed.
He didn't even deserve to be in here with her, didn't deserve to even look at her or think about her. He was NOT the one that needed the gang, she did. He was the one we should be killing, because he tried to replace us and couldn't do it.
Steve tried to calm me down. He told me that no one was to blame, and that we all needed to be there for Carson. But he also understood, on some level he blamed Seth as well, but he knew that Car loves him and so we have to love him as well.
I'm willing to do anything for my family, but that's one thing I can't do. I can't forgive Seth for making me almost lose a part of the gang.

I'm mad.

I'm mad about alot of things.

I'm mad at alot of people.

But mostly I'm mad at myself.

I've never been someone who gets jealous. And I've always been happy for the people in my life. But now somethings happened where I can't. I can't be happy for Carson, I can't even pretend to be. I know I'm sapost to put on a smile and say "I'm happy for you. Really! Go and enjoy life, take advantage of it while you can. I'll be here waiting for you when you get back." But I can't. You're mine, and I don't want to share you with anyone else. I feel like one of those abusive boyfriends who demand to know where you are every second of every day, but it's how I feel. I keep thinking about you, and how I can't protect you now that your so far away. If you get beat up, or fall, or shot, or kidnaped, or stalked, or told off, or made fun of, or killed I can't be there to keep you safe. I keep thinking that you're in danger every second, and it kills me inside. I went from basically living with you as my shadow, to living without you. It's like a part, the most important part of me, is missing and I can't get it back. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. And I know this sounds selfish, and she's probley the only one who wont take this the wrong way, but I don't want you to be happy. Not if it means leaving me in your past, or putting our friendship on hold. It's too hard, and I'm not good with people leaving and I'm worse with goodbyes.

The other night I went to the movies with Two-Bit, his girlfriend, Jamie, her boyfriend, and Kit. It was a rerun of the movie the bucket list, yea thats right I even knew the name of the movie, go me! Well in the movie, two guys find out that their going to die and do all the things on a list that they wanted to do before dying. It got me to thinking, I want to have a list of things I want to do before I die. Not because I'm plaining on dying anytime soon or anything, just because I want to think of all the crazy things I could fit into one life time.
So I went home and made a list of 357 things, which covered everything from getting married someday, to having sex while sky diving. I could post the whole list but people would get extremly bored and honnestly probley dont care.
Nothing has really been happening latly, thankfully. I've had enough "excitment" for a while. The only news I have thats worth mentionating is that I found out Im having a boy. Sorry kids. I can almost hear Jamies heart breaking with sound of the news. So we need to start thinking of boy names, something apparently we need to work on since everyone was all "name her this" and "name her that"

P.S
Im a horrible, horrible person. I think horrible thoughts about people I shouldn't think those thoughts about. But more on that in my next post, I told you I'd post something happy and I'm going to stick to that.

Today I learned something today, I am very dependent on men in my life. Now I know what some/most people will say, "thats why you hooked up with all kinds of guys?", "is that why 90% of your friends made up of boys?" , "all girls who say that, become whores". But thats not what I mean, I mean that at all points in my life, there has always been certin people...well men in my life who helped me threw them. Its just that for as long as I can remeber I've always been drawn to guys more then girls. Though I use to force the guys to play barbies, or princess, or tea party, or....well you get it.
Mom told me that before Dad left I was a total daddys girl, everything I did I did with him. After he left I relied on Two-Bit to fill his role. I taged along with him everywhere, until he started school. Then I was forced to stay home everyday for 6 1/2 hours without anyone to play with except my babysister. Once I started school, I went to Two-Bit's friends house with him after school. Soda became my fill in anytime Two-Bit wanted to play foot ball, or video games, or anything else I didnt want to. I still remember spending my afternoons playing barbies with Soda and Steve, while Darry, Dally, and Two-Bit played mario. I mean, don't get me wrong, I got along with my best girl friends and loved them with all my heart. Carson, Kit, Brooke, Jamie and I would have tea partys and play house but I was still quick to leave in the middle of our games to play football with the boys if they asked.
It seems as we got older the time alloted for me to spend with my brother one on one was shortened to five minute conversations. I mean, yea I spend over half the day with my brother and sister, mostly because we share the same group of friends. But the three of us never spend any alone time anymore. Yea, Jamie and Two-Bit never really got along like I do with my brother, and I do with my sister, but we use to get along ok.
So the point of this long borring story is...I miss my brother. I know, I know its lame, but I will always need my brother. Not just my adopted brothers, but my blood brother. The only one who let me put make-up on him when I didn't understand why Mom wasn't home on my fourth birthday, or the one who stayed up with me for a week stright when I got my wisdom teeth out, and made me laugh until I forgot the name of the first boy to break my heart.
I know its no secret that my brother and sister arnt exactally best friends. But something Jamie dosen't know, or maybe she does and doesn't accept it, but I base our relationship on the same way mine and Two-Bits relationship is. So even if she dosen't think it, she does have that brotherly shoulder to lean on, it just comes with a little more makeup, or some girly-er (is that a word?) clothes.
So there you go peeps. I noticed that most of my posts are either depressing or me bitching that things arnt the same as before. So I promais that my next post will me happy and chipper and I will not wollow on the past. Even if I kills me =D

This is what I figured out about my life ....
-I have no older brother or baby sister anymore, their both gone
-I have no mom or dad, they both left
-I have no best friend because she left me as well
-I no longer have the house i grew up in
-I have no education because I have anger issues
-I have no choices in my life anymore
-I am slowly losing the family I formed with playground friends
-I am getting left behind while everyone else moves on
-I hate partys now, like accually hate them, I never knew that their no fun unless you drink !
But I also found out that ....
-I now have a new family and home
-I have the best friends in the whole world
-I can't let the past hold me back
-I have to be forgiving of somethings and not of others
-I have to be happy that my real family is making new family's of their own
-I have the cutest puppy in the world
-I know that just because people may not be with me, dosen't mean they arnt here for me
-I know that my sister is living every kids dream and is living with her best friend insted of with parents
I really hate thinking that I have to grow up at some point. I mean adults are borring, and their all the same. They judge people before getting to know them, expect everyone to do as they say, and have all these rules and restrictions that they force people to follow. Come to think of it I know a few non-adults who are the same way....
I moved in with Dal today, after leaving for a day to vist my dad. I told him that if anyone asked he had to say that he was looking after us. That if he wanted to have forgivness it was the least he could do after years of leaving us in the cold. So I hope that it will help with Jamie not going to a kids home. And as soon as I turn 18 I'll work on becomming her leagal gardian. Wow, I never thought I'd be the one in my family that would have to become the mother. I mean I use to be the wildest of the three of us, my whole life was a party. Now I guess I have to change in order to keep the people I love safe. Its crazy how quick your life can change, I wonder if things will keep changing or if things will somewhat go back to the way things were before...

My life is so fucked up at the moment.
Last night Dally came over and ended up staying the night, and we talked about things. I don't think I fully forgive him, but right now I'm putting whatever feelings I have on hold to think about my sister. You see when Dally left today I was sitting around the house watching TV when the door rang. I normally dont answer the door, mainly because if its any of the gang they just come in, and if Aunt Claires not home I could get her in trouble since I'm not sapost to be living with her. But the person kept knocking and wouldn't go away so I answered it, and standing in the doorway was two cops.
I swallowed hard and asked them why they were here, I mean its not like I've done anything wrong and Claire works just as much as Mom. They asked me if I lived there, and when I told them that I was just staying for a few days, they asked what my relations were. I told them how she was my aunt and asked again what was up, because cops don't noramlly go to your house and ask these things.
They told me that my Aunt and Mom were arrested this morning, and that they are trying to track down Two-Bit, Jamie, and me to take us to social services since me and Jamie are still minors.
They said that they were comming back tonight to get me and Jamie, then left. As soon as they left I called James and told her to come over. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I can't let Jamie go to foster care. I mean in a year I'm gonna be 18 and out, but shes only 14, and can't lose her family. I know we need to get out of here. We're going to the party to say bye to everyone then we have to leave, unless someone else can help us out.

Basically fuck new years. I never really liked it, I end up thinking about all the bad things that happened over the past year, insted of remeber the good times. So I stay home that night and watch movies, and spend the rest of the year partying. This year though I went to the party at the Curtis house because the whole gang was finially back.
Carson came over to my Aunts place to get ready, since she still feels werid showering at Seth's. By the time we got there I noticed that one thrid of our three-sum,(Me, Carson, and KitKat) was missing. Apparently she was at a party this morning and came home happened and in need of some Z's. So we let her be.
Things were going great....until I fell asleep. And I only know this because I partly woke up when Darry was laying me down on his bed. When I woke up the house was compleaty silent, so I creeped out to the livingroom and saw Darry passed out on the couch, Two-Bit on the floor, and Carson half on the chair half falling on the floor.
I left to get showered and dressed, when I got a call from Cherry Fucking Valence, how the hell she got my phone number I will never know. Well she told me she saw Dallas, or what I've taken to calling him the Fuck Face, over in her neighbourhood last night. Then I hear from Pony that he was at Kristi's place. THEN Dally said that he screwed the little slut.
So now, I'm not talking to him, and if I see him I will rip his head off. And none of that "No one can hurt me" bull shit, because I'm pretty sure a bullet or a knife will :)

Merry Christmas everyone !
This year things we're WAY different . Two-Bit , Jamie and I all woke up and opened family gifts with Mom and her Boyfriend Michael . After we finished we had a big breakfast and then went over to the Curtis house to spend it with our friends , since Mom had to work in the afternoon . I decited to stay longer after Jamie and Two-Bit left to tell Mom about the baby .
Once I did she started to cry , and I told her I was sorry , and she told me that she didn't know what to do . Then I told her I was gonna move in with Dal and that caused her to cry even more , because she felt like she was losing me or something . That's when Michael came in , and saw Mom crying and asked what was up . She told him , and he just got a cold look on his face and noded . I stayed until Mom left for work .
Just as I was about to leave Michael called me into the livingroom . He started yelling at me and telling me that I had no right to do this to my Mom . I told him that I didn't do it to her , and it's no one's fault that I screwed up my own life . I guess this pissed him off because he ran at me , and started punching me and pulling my hair and attacking me .
An hour later he calmed down , and said that he hopped that I thought about what he told me and then he left . I slowly pulled myself up from the ground and looked at myself in the mirror , I looked like shit . My lip was bleeding as well as my nose , both my eyes where swolen and black , and my cheek had a big gash in it .
I went to the bathroom and quickly put cover up on , knowing that if I was late the gang would question me , and if they saw my face they'd flip . Then I grabbed a pair of over sized sun glasses to wear over my eyes , and called my aunt .
I told her that I needed to live at her place for a couple weeks before I could move in with Dal , and she told me that I could stay as long as I wanted .

When I finially got the the Curtis' everyone was happy , and the only one to ask about the glasses was Carson , who laughed when I told her I was trying to be "main streem" . Things we're going great until Sean showed up , then everyone went ape shit on him , so I basicly just looked at him and was like "be chills" . Then Carson thought it would be funny to chase me and steel my sunglasses , when she got them I covered my face and flipped !
I yelled at her and told her to give them back , I don't think any of them saw me so pissed before . But she wouldn't give them back so I ran out of the house and went to my aunts . Now I'm not talking to Carson , all because my Mother's boyfriend is fucking crazy !

Happy Birthday Johnny ! ! ! !

I was late getting to the party, but I don't think Johnny minded too much. When I got there the gang, well everyone but Soda, were there chillen. There was also some new blonde bimbo that was eating my brothers face, I don't think anyone even told me this ones name, eh oh well. God Two-Bit is such a man whore! But there was another new girl there, and I guessed that it was Pony's girl.
She seemed sweet enough, but I never got the chance to talk to her alone. You'd think Pony would die without her less then two feet away from him, she could easly get him whipped. lol
When things started to clam down I was sitting on the couch listing to Carson go on and on about Seth ... when finally I had enough of hearing "and hes SOOO cute ! and SOOO smart ! and SOOO bad ass". I stood up and was like "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU!? GOD YOU LET A FUCKING BOY TURN YOU INTO A FAIRY!" and stormed off to the kitchen. I don't think I'm gonna talk to her for a while, guess she'll have to turn to Brooke, (sorry B).
Oh, and like normal I was the last one to leave. I had just walked out the front door when Soda pulled up. I was about to yell to him, when I Katie got out of the truck. That's when I saw his face, I don't think I've ever seen anyone look like that. Not even Dallas. I can't discribe a look like that, but it made me wish I was invisible, or dead. Anything to not be there. I hid behind a tree until they went inside then I ran all the way home, man I hope they didn't see me. It was so god damn scarry!

It seems that every Christmas something happens and someone has some sort of family / life changing drama in their life . One year Johnny moved out ; my Dad left the day after Christmas ; Carson ran away one year and didn't come back until March ; this year Katie's mom passed away . It's a tradition none of us enjoy very much , but it keeps happening . I think it's someone/thing's way of making us thankful for something or another in our lives . Unfortionatly this year is my turn .... I've tired to write this like 20 times so I think I'm just gonna put a picture up that Car took the other day ;;

So you guessed right , you'll get your prize in like 8 months ?...